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Help for my journey
Message from moqaddas posted on 25-07-2011 at 19:01:05 (D | E | F)
Hello,
Could you please correct my essay?
Thank you for your help.
It was a journey which someone had it and who told me about it and I tried to put it here in written form and I know I have made a lot of mistakes but hope I will get helpful instructions and points from your side,which I had left or forgot here.So it's as it is as it happened to person who visited there.Listen to him He said.....
'' Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit to Naran with my uncle.We departed/left Lahore(city) at night at 9 p.m.And we arrived Kaghan in the noon at 12 p.m.We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together.Then we started journey to Naran,it took about 9 hours arriving there.Now we were there,I was so excited and I found everything more than my dreams and thoughts.It was night when we reached there so we stayed in a hotel and took rest to refresh ourselves for next day journey.
Early in the morning we had breakfast and got out of the hotel.My uncle didn't have any experience of driving on mountain areas so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach the Lake Saif-ul-Malook.It was summer vacations when we were there so due to summer season most of the glaciers had melted to an extent.Then we went boating on the lake,we enjoyed boating there much.We played over a glacier which was not melted till then.We roamed along the lake much.The scene was so beautiful that we took some snaps to trap the beauty of nature.We went horse-ridding on the mountains near the lake.Then we decided to stay near the lake whole night.We did camping there but unfortunately we reserved place near the lake and due to wetness we didn't succeed to burst a fire to make ourselves warm.Moreover it was drizzling at night and the cool breeze was blowing as well.So we had to come back to hotel at 3 p.m at night.We passed rest of the night at hotel.We were dead tired and soon we got sound sleep.
Next day we departed Naran for getting back my city Lahore.My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such type of pleasant place but we had to come back.But it was so beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of my journey which I had ever enjoyed.''
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Edited by lucile83 on 25-07-2011 19:29
Message from moqaddas posted on 25-07-2011 at 19:01:05 (D | E | F)
Hello,
Could you please correct my essay?
Thank you for your help.
It was a journey which someone had it and who told me about it and I tried to put it here in written form and I know I have made a lot of mistakes but hope I will get helpful instructions and points from your side,which I had left or forgot here.So it's as it is as it happened to person who visited there.Listen to him He said.....
'' Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit to Naran with my uncle.We departed/left Lahore(city) at night at 9 p.m.And we arrived Kaghan in the noon at 12 p.m.We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together.Then we started journey to Naran,it took about 9 hours arriving there.Now we were there,I was so excited and I found everything more than my dreams and thoughts.It was night when we reached there so we stayed in a hotel and took rest to refresh ourselves for next day journey.
Early in the morning we had breakfast and got out of the hotel.My uncle didn't have any experience of driving on mountain areas so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach the Lake Saif-ul-Malook.It was summer vacations when we were there so due to summer season most of the glaciers had melted to an extent.Then we went boating on the lake,we enjoyed boating there much.We played over a glacier which was not melted till then.We roamed along the lake much.The scene was so beautiful that we took some snaps to trap the beauty of nature.We went horse-ridding on the mountains near the lake.Then we decided to stay near the lake whole night.We did camping there but unfortunately we reserved place near the lake and due to wetness we didn't succeed to burst a fire to make ourselves warm.Moreover it was drizzling at night and the cool breeze was blowing as well.So we had to come back to hotel at 3 p.m at night.We passed rest of the night at hotel.We were dead tired and soon we got sound sleep.
Next day we departed Naran for getting back my city Lahore.My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such type of pleasant place but we had to come back.But it was so beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of my journey which I had ever enjoyed.''
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Edited by lucile83 on 25-07-2011 19:29
Re: Help for my journey from gibigibigibi, posted on 30-07-2011 at 19:44:23 (D | E)
Hello moqaddas
I wish my suggestion will help you
-I think you dont need to write in the noon, just write "at 12 pm."
-"we started the journey"
-don't use "now" in past sentences
-just remove "so" if you use due to
-"we were deadly tired"
-"for getting back to.."
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Edited by lucile83 on 30-07-2011 20:51
Re: Help for my journey from moqaddas, posted on 30-07-2011 at 21:01:36 (D | E)
Hello gibigibigibi,
Thanks for correcting my mistakes ,I acted upon your suggestions.
'' Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit to Naran with my uncle.We departed/left Lahore(city) at night at 9 p.m.And we arrived Kaghan at 12 p.m.We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together.Then we started the journey to Naran,it took about 9 hours arriving there.We were there,I was so excited and I found everything more than my dreams and thoughts.It was night when we reached there so we stayed in a hotel and took rest to refresh ourselves for next day journey.
Early in the morning we had breakfast and got out of the hotel.My uncle didn't have any experience of driving on mountain areas so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach the Lake Saif-ul-Malook.It was summer vacations when we were there, due to summer season most of the glaciers had melted to an extent.Then we went boating on the lake,we enjoyed boating there much.We played over a glacier which was not melted till then.We roamed along the lake much.The scene was so beautiful that we took some snaps to trap the beauty of nature.We went horse-ridding on the mountains near the lake.Then we decided to stay near the lake whole night.We did camping there but unfortunately we reserved place near the lake and due to wetness we didn't succeed to burst a fire to make ourselves warm.Moreover it was drizzling at night and the cool breeze was blowing as well.So we had to come back to hotel at 3 p.m at night.We passed rest of the night at hotel.We were deadly tired and soon we got sound sleep.
Next day we departed Naran for getting back to my city Lahore.My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such type of pleasant place but we had to come back.But it was so beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of my journey which I had ever enjoyed.''
Re: Help for my journey from notrepere, posted on 30-07-2011 at 22:02:34 (D | E)
Hello Here are some other suggestions
Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit to (1) Naran with my uncle. We departed/left Lahore(city) at night at 9 p.m. (2) and we arrived in Kaghan at 12 p.m. We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together. Then we started the journey to Naran,it (3) took about 9 hours arriving there (4). We were there,I was so excited and I found everything more than my dreams and thoughts. (5) It was night when we reached there (6) so we stayed in a hotel and took rest (7) to refresh ourselves for next day journey (8).
(1) decided to go to Naran or decided to visit Naran ; "visit to" doesn't exist
(2) You can say "at night" or "9 p.m." but not both.
(3) Then we started the journey to Naran which took nine hours or Then we started the journey to Naran. It took nine hours to arrive.
(4) not correct
(5) This sentence is not clear. You should rewrite it.
(6) You usually say "reached" + a place or "arrived there". We arrived in the evening is better.
(7) took rest is a bit old-fashioned; You can simply say 'in a hotel to refresh ourselves'
(8) for the next day's journey or for the journey the following day.
Early in the morning we had breakfast and got out (9) of the hotel. My uncle didn't have any experience of (10) driving on mountain areas (11) so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach the (12) Lake Saif-ul-Malook. It was summer vacations (13) when we were there due to summer season most of the glaciers had melted to an extent (5). Then we went boating on the lake and we enjoyed boating there a lot. We played over (14) a glacier which was not melted till then (15). We often roamed along the lake
The next day we departed Naran for getting back (20) to my city "Lahore". My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such type of pleasant place but we had to come back but it was such a beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of my journey which I had ever enjoyed (21).
(9) "check out" is better : we checked out of the hotel
(10) with
(11) on mountainous terrain/roads
(12) no article
(13) singular
(14) on
(15) at that time
(16) "We camped there"
(17) This doesn't make sense. To redo.
(18) 3 p.m. is not usually considered "night"; you can say "at 3 p.m." or "at night" but not both
(19)
This looks like the verb "passer"; not the right translation(20) another verb
(21) sentence not clear
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Edited by notrepere on 30-07-2011 22:05
Re: Help for my journey from moqaddas, posted on 01-08-2011 at 21:24:21 (D | E)
Hi,
I tried my best to follow your suggestions and thanks a lot for consuming your time for checking my eassy.
Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit Naran with my uncle. We departed/left Lahore(city) at 9 p.m. and we arrived in Kaghan at 12 p.m. We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together. Then we started the journey to Naran,it took 9 hours to arrive. When we arrived,I was so excited and I found everything even more than what I had expected/dreamed of. we arrived in the evening so we stayed in a hotel to refresh ourselves for the next day's journey.
Early in the morning we had breakfast and checked out of the hotel. My uncle didn't have any experience with driving on mountainous terrain/roads so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach Lake Saif-ul-Malook. It were summer vacations when we were there.Due to summer season most of the glaciers had melted to some extent . Then we went boating on the lake and we enjoyed boating there a lot. We played on a glacier which was not melted at that time. We roamed along the lake for a long time. The scenery was so beautiful that we took some snapshots to capture the beauty of nature. We went horseback-ridding on the mountains near the lake. Then we decided to stay near the lake for a whole night. We camped there but unfortunately we reserved a place near the lake and we didn't succeed to light fire to make ourselves warm due to the wetness. Moreover it was drizzling at night and a cool breeze was blowing as well. So we had to come back to the hotel at 3 a.m . We spent rest of the night at the hotel. We were deadly tired and soon we were sound sleep.
The next day we departed Naran for getting back to my city "Lahore". My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such a pleasant place but we had to.Anyway,it was a so beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of the best journeys that I had ever enjoyed.
Re: Help for my journey from notrepere, posted on 02-08-2011 at 00:37:13 (D | E)
HelloVery good work. There are only a few errors remaining...
Early in the morning (1) we had breakfast and checked out of the hotel. My uncle didn't have any experience with driving on mountainous terrain/roads so we hired a jeep and a guide to reach (2) Lake Saif-ul-Malook. It were summer vacations (3) when we were there.Due to the summer season, most of the glaciers had melted to some extent . Then we went boating on the lake and we enjoyed boating there a lot. We played on a glacier which was not melted at that time. We roamed along the lake for a long time. The scenery was so beautiful that we took some snapshots to capture the beauty of nature. We went horseback-ridding on the mountains near the lake then we decided to stay near the lake for a whole night. We camped there but unfortunately we reserved a place near the lake and we didn't succeed to light fire (4) to make ourselves warm due to the wetness (5). Moreover it was drizzling at night and a cool breeze was blowing as well. So we had to come back to the hotel at 3 a.m . We spent rest of the night at the hotel. We were deadly tired and soon we were sound sleep.
The next day we departed Naran for getting back to (6) my city "Lahore". My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such a pleasant place but we had to. Anyway,it was a so beautiful and pleasant journey (7) and it was one of the best journeys that I had ever enjoyed.
(1) This is OK, but it would be even better if you said "Early the next morning..."
(2) guide in order to reach... This is the same construction in French: pour + infinitive
(3) Subject/verb agreement. 'It' = first person singular / 'were' = third person plural. "vacation" is almost always singular and should be singular here. "It was summer vacation."
(4) Phrasal verb: succeed in + gerund = succeed in making a fire
(5) I understand what you mean, but it would be clearer if you said: in order to warm ourselves because everything was wet.
(6) to return to
(7) This is still incorrect. See previous correction.
Re: Help for my journey from moqaddas, posted on 04-08-2011 at 18:07:08 (D | E)
Hi,
Is it okay now,I have tried to correct my mistakes according to your instructions.I hope I didn't leave any mistake.
Last year my cousins and I decided to go to/to visit Naran with my uncle. We departed/left Lahore(city) at 9 p.m. and we arrived in Kaghan at 12 p.m. We stayed in a restaurant for three hours and had breakfast and lunch together. Then we started the journey to Naran,it took 9 hours to arrive. When we arrived,I was so excited and I found everything even more than what I had expected/dreamed of. we arrived in the evening so we stayed in a hotel to refresh ourselves for the next day's journey.
Early the next morning we had breakfast and checked out of the hotel. My uncle didn't have any experience with driving on mountainous terrain/roads so we hired a jeep and a guide in order to reach Lake Saif-ul-Malook. It was summer vacation when we were there.Due to the summer season most of the glaciers had melted to some extent . Then we went boating on the lake and we enjoyed boating there a lot. We played on a glacier which was not melted at that time. We roamed along the lake for a long time. The scenery was so beautiful that we took some snapshots to capture the beauty of nature. We went horseback-riding on the mountains near the lake then we decided to stay near the lake for a whole night. We camped there but unfortunately we reserved a place near the lake and we didn't succeed in making a fire(can I use lightening a fire?) in order to warm ourselves because everything was wet. Moreover it was drizzling at night and a cool breeze was blowing as well. So we had to come back to the hotel at 3 a.m . We spent rest of the night at the hotel. We were deadly tired and soon we were sound sleep.
The next day we departed Naran to return to my city "Lahore". My cousins and I didn't want to come back from such a pleasant place but we had to.Anyway,it was such a beautiful and pleasant journey and it was one of the best journeys that I had ever enjoyed.
Re: Help for my journey from notrepere, posted on 04-08-2011 at 18:47:09 (D | E)
HelloVery good.
we didn't succeed in making a fire(can I use lightening a fire?)
You can say: in making a fire or in lighting a fire but not lightening a fire.
Regards
Re: Help for my journey from moqaddas, posted on 04-08-2011 at 19:00:14 (D | E)
Hi,
Thanks for consuming your expensive time for correcting my all mistakes.I would like to get your helpful instructions on my more postings.
Best wishes.
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